"It helps with the brain development that we need in order to have that stable foundation for going into adulthood, and dealing with the challenges that we face in adulthood. Being able to regulate our emotions, being able to know how to trust people, and how to develop relationships. All of those are skills that we need to negotiate adulthood," Copenhaver said."
'via Blog this'Healthy relationships help shape infant mental helath : News : UpperMichigansSource.com: "They can't talk back yet, but parental communication and nurturing is key to healthy baby. That's according to Melissa Copenhaver, a nurse who was at Peter White Public Library Thursday. She explained how early healthy relationships between caregivers and babies pave the way for a mentally-sound future.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Wellness Tip for Peace: Beyond material gains, it is knowing our Purpose in Life that can make us truly Happy
What We Know Now About How to Be Happy - Alice G. Walton - Health - The Atlantic: "People whose goals involved personal growth and the community were much happier than people who sought money or fame. This sounds a lot like the hedonic/ eudaimonic divide.
"By attaining the 'American Dream goals,' [big house, fancy car, designer clothes]" said the study's author Edward Deci, "you are actually feeling less satisfied in the need for autonomy and feeling effective in the world [because you are dependent on external measures outside your direct control], and that leads to more ill−being." So it seems like going after the material goods that are so appealing - a nice house, car, or bottle of wine - may actually make us more psychologically impoverished than the "larger" goals, like personal growth and self-satisfaction. This study underlines the divide between what we may think makes us happy and what actually makes us happy - and, by extension, healthy. "
'via Blog this'
"By attaining the 'American Dream goals,' [big house, fancy car, designer clothes]" said the study's author Edward Deci, "you are actually feeling less satisfied in the need for autonomy and feeling effective in the world [because you are dependent on external measures outside your direct control], and that leads to more ill−being." So it seems like going after the material goods that are so appealing - a nice house, car, or bottle of wine - may actually make us more psychologically impoverished than the "larger" goals, like personal growth and self-satisfaction. This study underlines the divide between what we may think makes us happy and what actually makes us happy - and, by extension, healthy. "
'via Blog this'
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Wellness Tip: Nurture the Habit of Noticing What is Right About You & You'll Be Glad You Did!
8 Ways to Feel Happier | ThirdAge: "Affirmations are a time-honored way to cheer yourself up. That's because they really work! At least once a day, give yourself credit for being the wonderful person that you are. No accomplishment is too small to go unnoticed. Did you finally buy a pair of running shoes? That counts even if you didn't start running yet. Did you make it through half of your To Do list? That's better than not having tackled it at all. Did you let the person with one item go ahead of you in line at the checkout counter? Great! It all adds up. The trick is to nurture the habit of noticing what's right about you. You'll be glad you did."
'via Blog this'
'via Blog this'
Wellness Tip: Write a "Journal of Blessings" Everyday & Plunge into the Challenge of Difficult Situation. Be Brave!
"Mentally tally up all that's right about your life no matter what challenges you may be facing at the moment. Better yet, make a written list. Some researchers contend that if you use a pen and paper instead of typing on your computer, the thankful feelings will be more potent and stick around longer."
'via Blog this'8 Ways to Feel Happier | ThirdAge:
'via Blog this'8 Ways to Feel Happier | ThirdAge:
Wellness Tip: Stop Depression, Get Moving & Release the Happy Hormones "Endorphins" in Your Body
"There's a reason gym-rats who are subdued in the locker room before they work out end up coming back all bubbly and full of smiles. Physical activity spurs the production of endorphins, the happy hormones that give us a natural lift. In fact even seriously depressed people lighten up if they stop being couch potatoes. Find a way to fit some exercise into your life. You'll not only be healthier but you'll also be happier."
'via Blog this'8 Ways to Feel Happier | ThirdAge:
'via Blog this'8 Ways to Feel Happier | ThirdAge:
Wellness Tip: Manage Stress: Practice Random Acts of Kindness
"Whether you volunteer at a soup kitchen or simply lend a supportive ear to someone who is going through a rough time, you'll get a feel-good rush known as "Helper's High." Study after study has shown that if people stop dwelling on their own issues and focus instead on reaching out to others, levels of stress hormones drop. When you make another person's life brighter, it's a win-win scenario."
'via Blog this'8 Ways to Feel Happier | ThirdAge:
'via Blog this'8 Ways to Feel Happier | ThirdAge:
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Tip: Believe in the Power of Love. Biological Study showed Romantic Love is Real and Can be Long-Lasting
Why some people cheat and some don't - Hindustan Times: "According to the study, when people looked at pictures of a new partner their brains fired in a region that processes the reward-inducing brain chemical dopamine. It's the same region that responds to food, alcohol and cocaine, and motivates people to want more of something. However, as with time, relationships often change and people commonly debate whether intense romantic love can last. To begin to test these theories, Aron and colleagues conducted the first brain-scan study of people in long-term love. In the lab, participants looked at pictures of their partner''s faces. Then they looked at a variety of comparison faces, including people they were close to but not passionately in love with. All the while, an fMRI machine recorded activity throughout their brains. Compared to the brain scans of people who had recently fallen in love, there were some differences. For example, the new lovers had activity in the parts of the brain related to tension and obsession. And only long-term lovers showed extra activity in areas related to attachment and pair bonding.
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'via Blog this'
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'via Blog this'
But both groups showed comparable activity in a dopamine-processing region of the brain called the ventral tegmental area. Married partners who rated themselves highest on the scale of intense love showed more activity in that area than did long-term partners who reported slightly lower levels of intensity. "The question is if these claims of intense love in long-term relationships are real. This adds to our confidence that the answer is yes. This is confirmation that there's something real here. It''s not just people kidding themselves," said Aron.
The study, which focused on a group that held particularly strong feelings for their long-term partners, also suggested that couples who "simply strive to be happy together" may not be aiming high enough, said Arthur Aron, a of the Stony Brook University in New York.
The findings have been reported in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience.
The findings have been reported in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Wellness Tip: Wear Something Red. "Red is a positive colour which, on a grey day, can really help brighten and lift up your mood"
Significance of the colour red in your life - Hindustan Times: "Red as a colour, says Dr Ramesh Kaushal, Reiki grandmaster, has the kind of energy and vibration that makes you feel confident. "It is a powerful colour that immediately connects you very differently to your environment," he says. "In fact red as a colour is recommended to people who might lack confidence. Red has the kind of energy that immediately peps you up." It's a sure-shot mood-lifter, agrees Dr Deepti Dhara, naturopath at Tulsi Holistic Centre, Kamla Nagar, Delhi. "Red is a positive colour which, on a grey day, can really help brighten and lift up your mood," she says. That's because red has a positive effect on your body, says wellness expert and Brunch columnist Dr Shikha Sharma. "Red is the colour of the mooldhara (root) chakra located at the base of the spine, which connects you to the outer world," she says. "It makes you industrious and increases your energy levels. Red also has great healing properties. For example it is recommended to treat degenerating bones.""
'via Blog this'
'via Blog this'
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Tip: How to Break up with a Man: Be a Lady: Save His Pride: Avoid Feeding Any Drama
How to break up with a man | Match.com: "Be definitive
When telling a guy that it is over, be clear that it is absolutely, positively O-V-E-R. “Sometimes, we may be inclined to leave the door open — either to leave options open for ourselves or to soften the blow of the breakup for the other person — but this is dangerous territory,” says April Masini, author of Date Out of Your League. It might seem nice to offer the possibility that one day in the future, you two will possibly find your way back into each other’s arms... but all this does is give the poor guy false hope. And with false hope comes those desperate calls at 3 a.m. asking if you’re ready to take him back yet. “Make it clear that he needs to move on,” says John Seeley, M.A., author of Get Unstuck! The Simple Guide to Restart Your Life. “Guys would rather hear the truth and then know what they need to do to move forward in their lives.”"
'via Blog this' http://yahoo.match.com/cp.aspx?cpp=/cppp/magazine/article.html&articleid=12769&ER=sessiontimeout
When telling a guy that it is over, be clear that it is absolutely, positively O-V-E-R. “Sometimes, we may be inclined to leave the door open — either to leave options open for ourselves or to soften the blow of the breakup for the other person — but this is dangerous territory,” says April Masini, author of Date Out of Your League. It might seem nice to offer the possibility that one day in the future, you two will possibly find your way back into each other’s arms... but all this does is give the poor guy false hope. And with false hope comes those desperate calls at 3 a.m. asking if you’re ready to take him back yet. “Make it clear that he needs to move on,” says John Seeley, M.A., author of Get Unstuck! The Simple Guide to Restart Your Life. “Guys would rather hear the truth and then know what they need to do to move forward in their lives.”"
'via Blog this' http://yahoo.match.com/cp.aspx?cpp=/cppp/magazine/article.html&articleid=12769&ER=sessiontimeout
Don’t let him be the last to know your feelings
Sure, talking through your feelings with a friend can be helpful when working up the courage to break things off, but try to limit yourself to how many people hear the test run of your dumping speech ahead of time. Eventually, someone is going to tattle, and as any guy will tell you, being the last to know that you’ve been dumped is not fun. “My best friend told me that he heard my girlfriend was thinking of breaking up with me,” says 32-year-old Dave from Long Island, NY. “I later found out that all of my friends knew before I did. I was so angry and humiliated. I felt like the biggest fool on earth, walking around telling everyone how in love I was, and all of them knowing she was about to give me the boot. It was the worst.”
Don’t do it online
The Internet is great for many things: locating discount airfares, paying credit card bills, wasting hundreds of hours looking at weird sites; the list goes on and on. But one thing that is not on that list (and never should be) is dropping a boyfriend like a bad habit. “My ex dumped me twice online,” says Chris, 31, from Washington, MO. “Once by email after we’d spent the weekend together; the second time, she did it over IM. At least ‘woman up’ and tell me in person!” Seriously, canceling a relationship like you would a credit card will put you in his Worst Girlfriend Hall of Fame for life. “Voicemail, emails, Post-its and IMs are not cool ways to break up,” says Masini. “If you’ve spent more than three dates with the guy, you owe him a face-to-face sit-down discussion.” If you’re totally scared to do that, the phone can be an acceptable termination device — but only for short-term relationships.
Steer clear of using fake excuses
OK, you don’t have to tell someone point-blank that he is no longer worth your time, but lying your way out of a relationship is almost always going to backfire. He’ll feel twice as bad when he learns the truth, and you’ll feel like a jerk for doing it. “I went out a few times with this woman, and we talked a few times afterward,” says John, 34, from Virginia. “She worked as a government contractor at a submarine base and told me she’d been accepted to a top-secret program in Arizona that would last at least six months. Long story short: she was lying, and I bumped into her just a month later. And this was after we had a conversation about how awful it was that people couldn’t be honest!” If you want either one of you to maintain your dignity, tell him the truth. You don’t have to be brutally honest, though. “I just don’t feel a connection with you” is a perfectly good way of saying, “You are too busy for me” or “I didn’t know someone could kiss that badly.”
Be brief in your explanation
“Keep it short and sweet,” urges Stephany Alexander, relationship expert at womansavers.com. Unless you’ve been together for years and years, no breakup speech should last more than 30 minutes. You don’t need to give him every reason you want to end things; instead, just name one or two major problems and be done with it. The last thing you want is having him interpret your litany of ways he’s failed you romantically as a list of things he can change in order to win you back. Make it clear that this isn’t a negotiation. It may seem cruel to be brusque about it, but like ripping off a Band-Aid, the faster you do it, the faster you’ll feel better.
Avoid feeding any drama
A man with wounded pride and hurt feelings can get verbally abusive sometimes, so try to defuse the situation with silence. “Don’t engage with him,” says Masini. “Listen. Be quiet. Don’t respond.” Don’t fuel the fire by defending yourself. Let him get it all out, then leave. If you’re worried that the guy might hurt himself or someone else in the wake of your breakup, call a counselor or a police officer. Trying to take on a dangerous situation by yourself is just that — dangerous.
Secure a breakup buddy
“Breaking up can be overwhelming,” says Masini, “and it may cause you to want to call your ex for contact or comfort. After you break up, have plans to meet with a friend. Debrief over lunch and a movie.” Remove his number from your cell phone while you’re at it. Post-breakup conversations tend to lead to post-breakup reunions, and next thing you know, you’re having brunch together and wondering how the heck you wound up with this guy again. If you want to touch base to see how he’s doing, give it a couple of months at least. If he’s still sweet on you, any contact (no matter how innocent) is going to be interpreted as a ray of hope that love will spring again.
Dan Bova is the executive editor of Maxim
Sure, talking through your feelings with a friend can be helpful when working up the courage to break things off, but try to limit yourself to how many people hear the test run of your dumping speech ahead of time. Eventually, someone is going to tattle, and as any guy will tell you, being the last to know that you’ve been dumped is not fun. “My best friend told me that he heard my girlfriend was thinking of breaking up with me,” says 32-year-old Dave from Long Island, NY. “I later found out that all of my friends knew before I did. I was so angry and humiliated. I felt like the biggest fool on earth, walking around telling everyone how in love I was, and all of them knowing she was about to give me the boot. It was the worst.”
Don’t do it online
The Internet is great for many things: locating discount airfares, paying credit card bills, wasting hundreds of hours looking at weird sites; the list goes on and on. But one thing that is not on that list (and never should be) is dropping a boyfriend like a bad habit. “My ex dumped me twice online,” says Chris, 31, from Washington, MO. “Once by email after we’d spent the weekend together; the second time, she did it over IM. At least ‘woman up’ and tell me in person!” Seriously, canceling a relationship like you would a credit card will put you in his Worst Girlfriend Hall of Fame for life. “Voicemail, emails, Post-its and IMs are not cool ways to break up,” says Masini. “If you’ve spent more than three dates with the guy, you owe him a face-to-face sit-down discussion.” If you’re totally scared to do that, the phone can be an acceptable termination device — but only for short-term relationships.
Steer clear of using fake excuses
OK, you don’t have to tell someone point-blank that he is no longer worth your time, but lying your way out of a relationship is almost always going to backfire. He’ll feel twice as bad when he learns the truth, and you’ll feel like a jerk for doing it. “I went out a few times with this woman, and we talked a few times afterward,” says John, 34, from Virginia. “She worked as a government contractor at a submarine base and told me she’d been accepted to a top-secret program in Arizona that would last at least six months. Long story short: she was lying, and I bumped into her just a month later. And this was after we had a conversation about how awful it was that people couldn’t be honest!” If you want either one of you to maintain your dignity, tell him the truth. You don’t have to be brutally honest, though. “I just don’t feel a connection with you” is a perfectly good way of saying, “You are too busy for me” or “I didn’t know someone could kiss that badly.”
Be brief in your explanation
“Keep it short and sweet,” urges Stephany Alexander, relationship expert at womansavers.com. Unless you’ve been together for years and years, no breakup speech should last more than 30 minutes. You don’t need to give him every reason you want to end things; instead, just name one or two major problems and be done with it. The last thing you want is having him interpret your litany of ways he’s failed you romantically as a list of things he can change in order to win you back. Make it clear that this isn’t a negotiation. It may seem cruel to be brusque about it, but like ripping off a Band-Aid, the faster you do it, the faster you’ll feel better.
Avoid feeding any drama
A man with wounded pride and hurt feelings can get verbally abusive sometimes, so try to defuse the situation with silence. “Don’t engage with him,” says Masini. “Listen. Be quiet. Don’t respond.” Don’t fuel the fire by defending yourself. Let him get it all out, then leave. If you’re worried that the guy might hurt himself or someone else in the wake of your breakup, call a counselor or a police officer. Trying to take on a dangerous situation by yourself is just that — dangerous.
Secure a breakup buddy
“Breaking up can be overwhelming,” says Masini, “and it may cause you to want to call your ex for contact or comfort. After you break up, have plans to meet with a friend. Debrief over lunch and a movie.” Remove his number from your cell phone while you’re at it. Post-breakup conversations tend to lead to post-breakup reunions, and next thing you know, you’re having brunch together and wondering how the heck you wound up with this guy again. If you want to touch base to see how he’s doing, give it a couple of months at least. If he’s still sweet on you, any contact (no matter how innocent) is going to be interpreted as a ray of hope that love will spring again.
Dan Bova is the executive editor of Maxim
Tip: How to Break up with a Woman: Be a Man, Give Her the Dignity of Ending the Connection in Person
How to break up with a woman: "Don’t just pull a disappearing act on her
Sadly, this is an all too common tactic with men, but listen up: it’s just not cool at all. “My friends and I agree that there’s nothing worse than fading away into oblivion!” says 29-year-old Stacey from Pensacola, FL. “Then the girl is left just wondering and waiting.” Women need some sort of closure, and you owe her some kind of explanation before you decide to vanish from her life."
'via Blog this' http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=12770&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=926095
Sadly, this is an all too common tactic with men, but listen up: it’s just not cool at all. “My friends and I agree that there’s nothing worse than fading away into oblivion!” says 29-year-old Stacey from Pensacola, FL. “Then the girl is left just wondering and waiting.” Women need some sort of closure, and you owe her some kind of explanation before you decide to vanish from her life."
'via Blog this' http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=12770&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=926095
Consider the timing before breaking the bad news to her
Though it’s not totally your responsibility to see how she survives the breakup, you can help ease the transition by carefully considering when to break the bad news to her. “It’s thoughtful and courteous to be aware of what is going on in her life,” says JoAnn Magdoff, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in New York City. In other words, don’t be an extra-special jerk by delivering the news when she’s already going through a rough patch. If she lost her job yesterday, give her a little time to adjust before having the big talk.
Don’t rely on technology to do the deed
We live in a world of cell phones, BlackBerries and IMs, which means it’s easier than ever to get in touch with each other... but please don’t use it as a way to escape confrontation. “Using technology to break up is a cowardly act — it means you don’t have the nerve to face me,” says Kerry, 37, from Portsmouth, NH. “If you liked me enough to kiss me, spend time with me, and have a romance with me, then I think the very least you can do is honor that connection by ending it in person.”
Give her adequate face time
You may be tempted to deliver the news and then get the heck out of there, but there’s nothing worse than bringing up the subject when you don’t have adequate time to discuss it. Yes, that means you will have to talk to her and you might have to witness some tears, but it’s the right thing to do. “My ex broke up with me by meeting me for coffee, and we had a very open and civilized conversation,” says Gigi, 39, from New York, NY. “Yes, it still hurt... but because of the classy way he handled it, we didn’t lose our friendship, too.”
Choose your breakup location wisely
There’s no reason to break the news behind closed doors — but a bit of privacy can be a good thing. What youshouldn’t do is deliver the news anywhere that she’ll lose her dignity. “If you’re at a party surrounded by friends where everyone will see her if she bursts into tears, that’s not a good call,” says Wygant. “This is between the two of you, not your whole posse.” Wygant also suggests staying away from your favorite haunt or the place where you had your first date (or anywhere that could evoke painful memories). Think neutral, semi-private, and let her save face if she becomes overwhelmed with emotion.
Don’t be cruel in the name of honesty
Women need “reasons” so they can accept the breakup and move on. But there’s one big caveat… don’t be spiteful or hurtful when you give them to her. “Getting broken up with is insulting at some level and just being rejected feels bad enough. So why make the person feel worse?” offers Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life. No woman wants to hear that you’re dumping her because she has bad breath, or that she’s no longer attractive to you, or you’re insanely attracted to her best friend. These kinds of reflections shouldn’t be shared: “You’re no longer entitled to give advice or criticism because you aren’t her boyfriend anymore,” says Puhn. Instead, your reasons for the split should focus on how you two aren’t good matches for each other. Try saying something like, “Both of us are good people, but I don’t think we’re the right fit together romantically.”
Stay strong in your assertion that it’s time to end things
You start to deliver the news; you see her lip start to quiver and you think, Oh no, she’s going to cry. Should you attempt to soften the blow by saying, “Well, there might be a chance for us in the future but right now the timing isn’t good” or “Maybe when things quiet down at work” or “I think I just need a break” (or whatever will quieten her down)? No, no, no! Giving a woman a false sense of hope will not help her heal. “If you know it’s over, spare her the agony of pretending that you might call her sometime when you won’t,” says Magdoff. “If you really aren’t certain about the future, you can say ‘I’m not sure, but please don’t hold your breath…’”
Don’t freak out if she gets emotional afterward
We’re reputed to be the more sensitive gender, remember? So yes, there’s a chance that she might start sobbing or screaming or otherwise emoting (and you need to let her do whatever it is instead of trying to quieten her down). “If she gets hostile or weepy, stay calm and let her get angry or hysterical for a little while; remember, you’ve been thinking about the breakup for weeks, she heard about it 10 seconds ago,” says Puhn. If she gets more and more worked up as the minutes pass, however, take your leave and give her some down time to adjust to this new information. “Before walking away, however, set a specific time to talk later to give her security that you’re willing to explain yourself and listen to what she has to say when she’s calmed down,” Puhn adds.
Don’t use that “It’s not you, it’s me” line on her
Everyone knows that if someone leaves you, it’s because you’re not who this person wants to date — and that’s the bottom line. “Anyone on the receiving end of this line can see through it,” says Magdoff. She suggests that a better phrase to utter might be, “Who you are and what you want are absolutely terrific, but where I am right now is a very different place.”
End things properly with her before you start seeing someone else
Uh, hello? That’s called cheating! And if you intentionally stray in an effort to make her break up with you, you’re a coward and deserve whatever reaction you get. Also, forget about using the “I’ve met someone else” escape clause. Introducing a new love into a breakup discussion only tortures your soon-to-be ex. “After three years together, my boyfriend ended it with me over the phone by saying he’d met another woman on his trip to Europe,” says Jenny, 30, from Seattle, WA. “I spent the next two years wondering, What’s it like for them? Is it different from when he and I were together? Do they order the same kind of takeout? Do they listen to the same music we listened to? Do they laugh as much? Do they laugh more? And what makes her so much more appealing than me?” Get the point? Mentioning another woman really hurts and unnecessarily intensifies the pain.
It’s OK to agree to keep in touch (on special occasions only)
Calling just to check up on her in a week or even a month is not really helpful. It just confuses things and catapults you back into the forefront of her mind. There is one exception here, though… the special occasion. “If it’s her birthday or a holiday and you were very close, then it is sweet to call to wish her well,” says Puhn. However, don’t call to make plans, don’t call to discuss sensitive issues and don’t talk with her for longer than 10 minutes. “Be acquaintances and keep in mind that acquaintances rarely talk more than twice a year,” says Puhn.
Reassure her
One final point — let her know that she mattered to you. Puhn suggests saying something like “I enjoyed being with you, and I value the time we spent together, but we just aren’t right for the long run.” She needs to know that you didn’t consider her ‘a waste of time’ or unimportant. That will help her risk giving her heart to someone else in the future.
Kimberly Dawn Neumann is a New York City-based freelance writer whose work has appeared in Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and Marie Claire
Though it’s not totally your responsibility to see how she survives the breakup, you can help ease the transition by carefully considering when to break the bad news to her. “It’s thoughtful and courteous to be aware of what is going on in her life,” says JoAnn Magdoff, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in New York City. In other words, don’t be an extra-special jerk by delivering the news when she’s already going through a rough patch. If she lost her job yesterday, give her a little time to adjust before having the big talk.
Don’t rely on technology to do the deed
We live in a world of cell phones, BlackBerries and IMs, which means it’s easier than ever to get in touch with each other... but please don’t use it as a way to escape confrontation. “Using technology to break up is a cowardly act — it means you don’t have the nerve to face me,” says Kerry, 37, from Portsmouth, NH. “If you liked me enough to kiss me, spend time with me, and have a romance with me, then I think the very least you can do is honor that connection by ending it in person.”
Give her adequate face time
You may be tempted to deliver the news and then get the heck out of there, but there’s nothing worse than bringing up the subject when you don’t have adequate time to discuss it. Yes, that means you will have to talk to her and you might have to witness some tears, but it’s the right thing to do. “My ex broke up with me by meeting me for coffee, and we had a very open and civilized conversation,” says Gigi, 39, from New York, NY. “Yes, it still hurt... but because of the classy way he handled it, we didn’t lose our friendship, too.”
Choose your breakup location wisely
There’s no reason to break the news behind closed doors — but a bit of privacy can be a good thing. What youshouldn’t do is deliver the news anywhere that she’ll lose her dignity. “If you’re at a party surrounded by friends where everyone will see her if she bursts into tears, that’s not a good call,” says Wygant. “This is between the two of you, not your whole posse.” Wygant also suggests staying away from your favorite haunt or the place where you had your first date (or anywhere that could evoke painful memories). Think neutral, semi-private, and let her save face if she becomes overwhelmed with emotion.
Don’t be cruel in the name of honesty
Women need “reasons” so they can accept the breakup and move on. But there’s one big caveat… don’t be spiteful or hurtful when you give them to her. “Getting broken up with is insulting at some level and just being rejected feels bad enough. So why make the person feel worse?” offers Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life. No woman wants to hear that you’re dumping her because she has bad breath, or that she’s no longer attractive to you, or you’re insanely attracted to her best friend. These kinds of reflections shouldn’t be shared: “You’re no longer entitled to give advice or criticism because you aren’t her boyfriend anymore,” says Puhn. Instead, your reasons for the split should focus on how you two aren’t good matches for each other. Try saying something like, “Both of us are good people, but I don’t think we’re the right fit together romantically.”
Stay strong in your assertion that it’s time to end things
You start to deliver the news; you see her lip start to quiver and you think, Oh no, she’s going to cry. Should you attempt to soften the blow by saying, “Well, there might be a chance for us in the future but right now the timing isn’t good” or “Maybe when things quiet down at work” or “I think I just need a break” (or whatever will quieten her down)? No, no, no! Giving a woman a false sense of hope will not help her heal. “If you know it’s over, spare her the agony of pretending that you might call her sometime when you won’t,” says Magdoff. “If you really aren’t certain about the future, you can say ‘I’m not sure, but please don’t hold your breath…’”
Don’t freak out if she gets emotional afterward
We’re reputed to be the more sensitive gender, remember? So yes, there’s a chance that she might start sobbing or screaming or otherwise emoting (and you need to let her do whatever it is instead of trying to quieten her down). “If she gets hostile or weepy, stay calm and let her get angry or hysterical for a little while; remember, you’ve been thinking about the breakup for weeks, she heard about it 10 seconds ago,” says Puhn. If she gets more and more worked up as the minutes pass, however, take your leave and give her some down time to adjust to this new information. “Before walking away, however, set a specific time to talk later to give her security that you’re willing to explain yourself and listen to what she has to say when she’s calmed down,” Puhn adds.
Don’t use that “It’s not you, it’s me” line on her
Everyone knows that if someone leaves you, it’s because you’re not who this person wants to date — and that’s the bottom line. “Anyone on the receiving end of this line can see through it,” says Magdoff. She suggests that a better phrase to utter might be, “Who you are and what you want are absolutely terrific, but where I am right now is a very different place.”
End things properly with her before you start seeing someone else
Uh, hello? That’s called cheating! And if you intentionally stray in an effort to make her break up with you, you’re a coward and deserve whatever reaction you get. Also, forget about using the “I’ve met someone else” escape clause. Introducing a new love into a breakup discussion only tortures your soon-to-be ex. “After three years together, my boyfriend ended it with me over the phone by saying he’d met another woman on his trip to Europe,” says Jenny, 30, from Seattle, WA. “I spent the next two years wondering, What’s it like for them? Is it different from when he and I were together? Do they order the same kind of takeout? Do they listen to the same music we listened to? Do they laugh as much? Do they laugh more? And what makes her so much more appealing than me?” Get the point? Mentioning another woman really hurts and unnecessarily intensifies the pain.
It’s OK to agree to keep in touch (on special occasions only)
Calling just to check up on her in a week or even a month is not really helpful. It just confuses things and catapults you back into the forefront of her mind. There is one exception here, though… the special occasion. “If it’s her birthday or a holiday and you were very close, then it is sweet to call to wish her well,” says Puhn. However, don’t call to make plans, don’t call to discuss sensitive issues and don’t talk with her for longer than 10 minutes. “Be acquaintances and keep in mind that acquaintances rarely talk more than twice a year,” says Puhn.
Reassure her
One final point — let her know that she mattered to you. Puhn suggests saying something like “I enjoyed being with you, and I value the time we spent together, but we just aren’t right for the long run.” She needs to know that you didn’t consider her ‘a waste of time’ or unimportant. That will help her risk giving her heart to someone else in the future.
Kimberly Dawn Neumann is a New York City-based freelance writer whose work has appeared in Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and Marie Claire
Self-Confidence is Healthy Self within
Don’t let the setbacks steer you off course. There may or may not be rejection, and if there is, it’s best to focus on the positive instead of the negative. If you are going to be working on your physical features, do it for yourself instead of trying to impress others. After all, being in good health boosts your confidence. So put your best efforts -- physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
2012 New Year's Resolution 9 Tips: # 9. "I will make My Body Strong & My Mind Healthy by Eating Unprocessed Foods
Nine Keys To Health And Happiness In The New Year | ThirdAge: "Our bodies weren't built to withstand the rapid changes we've witnessed in our food industry. The hunting and gathering we once did has turned into drive-throughs, super-sized meals, and chemically laden foods our organs don't have the ability to use or process. Eating the right amounts of carbohydrates, fats, and protein based on ancient genetics keeps you from eating either too little or too much, both of which cause us to hold onto unwanted and unnecessary body fat. Drink lots of water and eat whole, unprocessed foods. "
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2012 New Year's Resolution 9 Tips: #8 "I will Slow Down to Get Faster"
Nine Keys To Health And Happiness In The New Year | ThirdAge: "n the modern world, most people feel they must push their bodies and souls to the limit to make any gains in fitness, or in life. Slowing down allows your body to run more efficiently. Apply small focused changes that are gradual versus intense."
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2012 New Year's Resolution 9 Tips: # 7. "I will Surround Myself of People I want to Live with"
Nine Keys To Health And Happiness In The New Year | ThirdAge: "Asking for a healthy soul but choosing unsupportive friends will only prevent you from finding peace. Asking for a fit body, but eating junk foods, will only sabotage your own success. Surround yourself with actions, thoughts, and people who will empower you and allow you to achieve your personal success."
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2012 New Year's Resolution 9 Tips: #6. "I will Know & Set my Quest"
Nine Keys To Health And Happiness In The New Year | ThirdAge: "To get somewhere, you first have to know where you want to go. What physical goals are you striving toward? What kind of person do you want to become? Having these answers sets your intentions, helps focus your efforts, and provides you with tangible ways to measure the results. Set small goals. Set yourself up for success; for example, schedule your workouts at a time when you'll be most likely to do them. Turn your attention away from negative thoughts."
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2012 New Year's Resolution 9 Tips: #5. "I will Honor Myself"
Nine Keys To Health And Happiness In The New Year | ThirdAge: ". Self-love is the best way to honor yourself, and the most immediate tool you can use to fortify yourself against negative emotions like fear or self-doubt. Learning to honor and love yourself instantly transforms "need" into "peace." One of the factors that eats away at self-love is boredom--boredom with work, boredom with your own repetitious behaviors, boredom with life. Try to find what's new in the old; seek out new ways of thinking and behaving. Draw strength, support, and affirmation from community."
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2012 New Year's Resolution 9 Tips: #4. I will Reconnect with the Spiritual Side of Nature
Nine Keys To Health And Happiness In The New Year | ThirdAge: "Who hasn't been touched by a rose in bloom or trees coming to life in the springtime? Having a sense that you and Mother Earth have a special relationship lets you know that everything is as it should be, which makes our souls happy. The more you connect to nature, the more open you will be to its wisdom and calming influence."
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2012 New Year's Resolution 9 Tips: #3. I will Transform My Fear, Anger & Jealousy
Nine Keys To Health And Happiness In The New Year | ThirdAge: "Good thoughts lead us to incredible awareness and experiences. Olympic athletes know this, which is why they psych themselves up before a big event. Each day brings personal "Olympic moments"--for instance, an important meeting, a big workout, a tough but necessary talk with a friend, or a commitment to a daily spiritual practice. Fear, anger, and jealousy hinder our optimal performance. Bite off a smaller chunk of tasks that seem overwhelming. Get perspective on the real significance of your troubles and reactions by being out in nature. Accept the fact that challenge is normal and life is not controllable."
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2012 New Year's Resolution 9 Tips: #2 "I Will Quiet My Mind"
Nine Keys To Health And Happiness In The New Year | ThirdAge: "Ignoring external chatter and focusing on one thought or a single repetition is an extremely effective tool for dissipating emotional stress and helping shift negative thoughts. Learning to quiet your mind also helps to reduce cortisol levels in your body and increase DHEA, a feel-good hormone that promotes feeling of serenity. Quieting your mind can help you sleep better, eat more healthfully, and keep work and life pressures in perspective. One of the best ways to quiet your mind is to exercise, especially outside"
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2012 New Year's Resolution Tips: # 1. "I will Balance My Responses to Stress"
Nine Keys To Health And Happiness In The New Year | ThirdAge: "Chronic stress produces high cortisol levels that don't go away. Chronically high cortisol will make you sick, physically and emotionally. Stress can come from multiple sources including these six: negative emotions, too little sleep, poor diet, overwork, toxic chemicals, and inflammation. The antidote for stress is balance. Look at each of these six stress triggers individually and work on finding small ways to reduce excesses and achieve more balance in each area. Seek more laughter, calmness, and clarity in your life."
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